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kristi
Member
Username: Kristi
Post Number: 14
Registered: 02-2010
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 10, 2010 - 05:23 pm: | 
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Most of us have faced death at it's doorstep and shut the door in death's face to continue living life, as normally as we possibly can. With everything we have experienced and been thru, how do we know when we are expecting too much out of our significant other? How do we know when we are overreacting over things they did not do for us?
I was with my boyfriend before I was diagnosed with ESRD and told I was going to have to do dialysis and need a transplant. The day I had my catheter placed he not only didn't make it to see me before I went into surgery but he was also an hour late the night before bringing me jeans so the surgeon could place the catheter without it rubbing bc he was helping his dad change a fuel filter. I went to every doctor appt for dialysis by myself and to the appts for transplant workup by myself. He would go out all the time and leave me at home to do my dialysis...his explanation being that was my deal and he should be able to do whatever he want whenever he wants to do it. He once told me that I needed to do what I needed to do and if that meant stopping dialysis then whatever. I can't tell you how many tears I shed from things he would say. Sometimes he would be very supportive and sometimes it was like I was going thru all of this by myself. After my transplant it got a little better but...
My question is am I overreacting or expecting too much from the person who is supposed to love me? Any comments or advise would be appreciated. |
BreathinSteven
Forum Leader
Username: Breathinsteven
Post Number: 1969
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 10, 2010 - 05:48 pm: |
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I think you don't have a "boyfriend" -- I think you have a buddie, or a pal -- and not even a great one of those... I'm sorry if I'm a bit blunt.
My wife would do anything and be anywhere for me, particularly when it comes to my illness. And I'm quite certain I would do the same for her. If either one of us are in a frightening or painful situation, the other is going to be by their side. Sometimes it's not even that you can do anything, or help with anything -- but it's the love and support of simply being there... I feel that when you truly love someone -- you are with them during the difficult times, as well as the joyous times.
The number one priority in my life is my wife, and that began long before she was my wife. Nope -- I'm not always there for her, and I don't always do what she wants -- but if she needs something, or she is suffering or afraid, or facing an illness or surgery -- I am with her.
I know I'm only hearing one side of the story here -- I don't know if he has an unreasonable fear or phobia about medical issues, or blood, or pain -- I don't know if there is some underlying reason why he feels he cannot be there -- but his explanation that this is your "deal" and he should be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to do it, pretty much tells me that you are not a priority in his life -- and that seems disappointing...
I don't think you're overreacting.
Love, Steve
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Karen R.
Forum Leader
Username: Relivkaren
Post Number: 4078
Registered: 07-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 10, 2010 - 11:08 pm: |
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Kristi:
I am sorry that in my earlier post I assumed that you left your boyfriend. I apologize.
Here's my take on it and it is a lot like Steve's. I have a wonderful husband. We have known each other for 15 years - married for 13. Even when we were dating he was always there for me. I have had medical issues all of my life. He married me knowing that I was dealing with 3 autoimmune diseases - Crohn's disease, Sjogren's Syndrome, and Graves disease. He stood by me through all the tests, doctor's appointments, and pain. He was my knight in shining armour. Fortunately, those diseases were not so life altering and I lived well with them in remission for many years.
The biggest challenge to all those disease was that we were told that I would never conceive a child. That was terribly disappointing for both of us, but Jerry never once complained. We decided to adopt and he was fine with that even though he came from a big family of 6 kids. He never once made me feel that I was "broken" or unworthy of his love because I couldn't have children. God did bless us though. I did get pregnant out of the blue and we had a beautiful baby boy. He is 5 1/2 now and our pride and joy.
Next comes this horrid lung disease. I was diagnosed in 2006 and finally got my lungs in Dec. 2009. For four years Jerry took care of me and Sammy. Sammy was 2 yrs. old when I got sick. Jerry was dad, mom, cook, housekeeper, grocery shopper, and caregiver to me and Sammy as well has holding down a 50+ hour a week job. He never complained. He sat with me night after night holdng me as I cried. He never once let me think anything but positive thoughts. He stayed home from work when I was having panic attacks. He was always there right by my side through all my tests and transplant evaluation. He went to every appointment. The biggest and most incredible thing was how he handled my transplant. The man didn't sleep for 48 hours because he was with me the whole time. He slept on a hard pull out couch many nights in the hospital because I was anxious or scared. He took care of many of my personal needs when nurses weren't available. He basically laid his life down for me. It makes me teary eyed to write this. He would have taken my place if he could have.
Now that I am feeling better and able to do more things I think he is actually having caregiver withdrawal. I am trying to encourage him to go back to doing the things he loves to do. He is a wonderful man and I thank God for him everyday.
I am not telling you all of this to brag. I just want you to know what unconditional love looks like. I would do the same for him - although I think he is so much better at love than me. He loves with all of his heart. That's what you want. You want a man that loves you no matter what happens in your life. You want to take this journey in life together - not separately. There is nothing I would rather do than curl up on the couch next to Jerry and just be close to him. Just seeing him across a crowded room calms my entire body. He is my best friend and the man that I love with all of my heart. Look for that and you won't be disappointed.
I truly don't mean to diminish your relationship in any way. You know what you want and how much you love your boyfriend. I just wanted to share my experience with you. Having a chronic illness is very hard on any relationship, but the ones that are meant to last will weather any storm.
I wish you all the best.
God Bless!
Karen
Dx: BOOP - May 2006. Rediagnosed with Bronchiolitis Obliterans Nov. 2006
Double lung transplant on Dec. 1st, 2009
Cleveland Clinic
Ohio, USA
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
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Diane
Forum Leader
Username: Mary_diane
Post Number: 399
Registered: 02-2009
| | Posted on Thursday, February 11, 2010 - 01:17 am: |
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Hi Kristi,
I think sometimes we ask questions that we intuitively know the answers to, but 2nd guess ourselves. You so totally deserve to be loved unconditionally. Your boyfriend is likely a fine man, but for some reason cannot deal with your health challenges. Never the less, you deserve to have someone love you just the way you are. You are not broken.
I too have had a somewhat rocky relationship for different reasons. But my partner was there for me 20 gazillion percent, and looked after every possible need. He sent out the most unbelievable emails to all of our friends and family during the time I was so critically ill. Now a year later he has been totally supportive in getting me back to my Transplant Clinic (5 hours away) and when I am not feeling well, he just does everything.
I also think that when we are unwell and vulnerable and see a different side to our partners, it is a very hard time to make a change. Take care Kristi, and remember.....you truly deserve to have unconditional love.
Diane
Liver Transplant Nov 20, 2008
Vancouver General, BC
“Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light.”
Albert Schweitzer
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kristi
Member
Username: Kristi
Post Number: 17
Registered: 02-2010
| | Posted on Thursday, February 11, 2010 - 09:06 pm: |
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I am so very thankful for all of you and your advise. As all of you know it is hard to ask your friends and family advise because most of them are too close to the situation and cannot provide an unbiased opinion.
Karen,
I too was supposed to not be able to have children, which tore my heart apart, and then he got me pregnant, which later caused me to go into kidney failure.
Diane,
I think you hit it on the head when you said we ask questions that we intuitively know the answers to but second guess ourselves. I am usually a very strong person and very stubborn but knows what she wants. I have never lacked self confidence and self esteem but I am beginning to think maybe I am not where I need to be in those areas to put up with the things I have.
Steve,
I really needed to hear someone tell me the blunt truth and I truly appreciate a guy's point of view.
I was talking to my mom tonight in tears bc once again I didn't do something right. She said I needed to make up my mind about my home life because me getting upset was going to raise my bp and damage my new kidney. As a couple, my belief was you helped each other out in good and bad times. As all of us know the transplant meds get expensive and at times it can be financially straining. It is very sad when you can rely on your family more than your significant other. I am not allowed back to work right now because I have only been transplanted less than 2 months ago, so I have had a lot of time to think and really pick apart my life and the people in my life. I really wanted and needed to know if I was just expecting too much. As you can tell many decisions will be made because I am on my way to be well and no longer vulnerable. I will keep you guys posted on what I decide to do about him and thank you again.  |
Diane
Forum Leader
Username: Mary_diane
Post Number: 402
Registered: 02-2009
| | Posted on Thursday, February 11, 2010 - 11:29 pm: |
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Hi Kristi,
Big Hugs to you. I hope that you did not feel that I was too hard on you. I recognize some of my own patterns in your story. I too have been a strong person and have been confident, and good self esteem.
But we all have our areas that we struggle, and I have struggled in the same area as you in the past. I think we all know what a big deal it is to go through a Transplant, and having to make a major life decision at this time is hard. So be gentle on yourself. You will know what you need to do, and when the timing is right.
In the meantime, surround yourself with positive and supportive friends and family. And know that you can always find support here on this site.
Take Care.........you deserve the very best!
Diane
Liver Transplant Nov 20, 2008
Vancouver General, BC
“Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light.”
Albert Schweitzer
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Kuen
Member
Username: Kuen
Post Number: 9
Registered: 04-2012
| | Posted on Tuesday, April 03, 2012 - 07:19 am: |
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Your partner is in a denial stage and I think he has difficulty in expressing to you what he really feels about your situation.
At this time do not expect too much about the care and an attention that supposed to be that he will be doing it to you.
Live with happy thoughts and spend time with your family to avoid thinking with that person. |
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