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Message |
Brian S.
Member
Username: Bsnell
Post Number: 7
Registered: 02-2011
| | Posted on Friday, February 18, 2011 - 09:46 am: | 
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Back in 2007 I was diagnosed with ESRD. Six months later I had my cath. placed in my stomach for the start of PD. For the next two years I worked full time, either dropped off or picked up my kids from school, cooked dinner most nights, basically everything I was doing before dialysis.
My wife of 12 years was very difficult to get along with during that time. She still expected me to move furniture around the house, have the same energy levels I had before dialysis, and be that same person. I did my best to keep pace with my old self but sometimes I couldnt keep up. I expected some type of compassion and/or empathy from my wife. I received harsh comments like "you are just lazy" or "you slept all night, how can you still be tired". I could never do enough or do anything right according to her.
Now I am 1 year 6 months post transplant and I have grown to resent her to the point that I can't stand to hear her voice. I know that I am a better person than to hold ill will towards anyone but I just can't get over the fact that the one person I needed on my side never supported me. Many people suggested going to a mental health specialist but I feel like I was the person that was wronged over and over again. I have considered divorce/seperation but I totally believe in family and I dont want to break my family into peices. I dont know what to do about my relationship and how I feel towards my wife.
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CiscoKidney07
Forum Leader
Username: Gregg
Post Number: 4513
Registered: 03-2008
| | Posted on Friday, February 18, 2011 - 10:09 am: |
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Brian, I am sorry that you are experiencing this. I think that you are in the right place to vent your frustrations. Maybe if you saw a professional, they could allay your feelings. Maybe if she was to talk to others who have been through what you went through, it would help. We can all relate to the fact that you are tired before, after and during dialysis. We cannot believe what the difference is now that we have had transplants;. Just some suggestions, my friend. Good luck!
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Rita
Forum Leader
Username: Rita
Post Number: 597
Registered: 06-2003
| | Posted on Friday, February 18, 2011 - 05:12 pm: |
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Brian, I think sometimes when we are ill it just enough making it through the day. We do the best with the energy we have and sometimes can do no more. That being said, we can only take on so many battles at a time, so we let somethings slide like "how people treat us" because we just simply can not take on additional battles. I think when we become well we start dealing with many things because we can, we can fight for ourselves on many levels that we couldnt when we were sick.
Words are very powerful. It sounds like she was angry back when you were ill. Sounds like there are a lot of unspoken feelings in your home and maybe some resentment.
I think when someone is illness and all that comes with it is stressful, and our roles within the family unit changes when someone is ill, simply because sometimes the person who is ill can no longer assume all the responsibilities he/she did before the illness.
Then when the person gets well, things change again within the family unit and there is all of these unresolved feelings and issues.
Non attacking communication is one key to a good marrage. To express oneself with the listeners heart in ones mind by choose the words correctly.
Please understand I hear your anger and I am not saying you are wrong that you are now angry. But the one thing I am sure of if you have children they are feeling and reading your anger even if you are not saying anything to your wife. So maybe both of you might want to go and talk to someone about all that you are not saying. Wishing you the best.
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Rita
Forum Leader
Username: Rita
Post Number: 608
Registered: 06-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, February 26, 2011 - 11:25 am: |
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Brain I hope my response has not turned you away from this site, There is lots of support on this site, I hope you do come back and share your experiences and knowledge. Wishing you the best.
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Hostess Rise'
Board Administrator
Username: Rise
Post Number: 15822
Registered: 05-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, February 26, 2011 - 04:41 pm: |
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Hi Brian
Some people just cannot handle illness. Maybe they are selfish or they are in denial whatever the case maybe, we have choices in life. I guess you can either tune her out or get therapy as long as she is willing to go with you.
If you love her and you believe she loves you then do what you can to work it out.
I believe all relationships even healthy ones, one partner will annoy the other at some point. Letting go of resentment is very important. If you hold onto the anger, you are the only one who is suffering. Try and find a way to let go of the negative feelings so you can see the picture even more clearly.
Look at all the good. Is there any good?
When you feel rage, resentment, emotionally in any way. Stop yourself and imagine what this pain is actually doing to your body. Can you see a picture in your mind of this anger. Try and replace this image with a healthy and happy one.
Allow yourself to feel the joy. The sooner you are aware of the negative emotions, the quicker you can let them go before they leave you feeling drained.
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Brian S.
Member
Username: Bsnell
Post Number: 8
Registered: 02-2011
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 01, 2011 - 01:21 am: |
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Thanks everyone, I appreciate everything. Its a day to day struggle especially when that person never takes responsibility. I do my best to move on so I can carry no anger in my reality. I try everyday to forgive and forget. I am just praying that life will be back to before the ESRD.
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Brian S.
Member
Username: Bsnell
Post Number: 11
Registered: 02-2011
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 01, 2011 - 11:10 am: |
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Since I know I have no support because I wasnt supported on dialysis or after the transplant I really worry if this kidney fails. I know I will be on my own to deal with these issues myself. I dont want to do mental health counseling because I tried that before but it still didnt change my wife treating me like crap. I just think that if this kidney fails I wont go back on dialysis again.
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Karen
Member
Username: Pandaparade
Post Number: 81
Registered: 09-2010
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 01, 2011 - 11:25 am: |
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It makes me so sad to think of you going through the problems this disease brings and on top of all that, having someone treat you like that. I have to admire you for continuing in this situation for the children's sake. I often wonder though if it does more harm than good, if the children have to endure a life with such hostility constantly in it. None of us are there with you to know the real situation; only you know. But, if life is so unbearable that you think not going on dialysis again if there is rejection or failure of the kidney, wouldn't a life on your own be much better? You deserve a life free of stress & anxiety. Could you have that away from her? Sometimes being on your own is much better than life that causes you to want to give up on life. Be proud of the person you are & if "others" don't feel the same, they don't deserve your company. Just my opinion... We all want you to be happy & your children too! Wishing you the best life has to offer! Take care & think positive. |
Brian S.
Member
Username: Bsnell
Post Number: 12
Registered: 02-2011
| | Posted on Thursday, March 03, 2011 - 11:22 am: |
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Thanks Karen for the support! I really have shielded my children from all the anger and hostility surrounding my marriage(i do my best to keep them unaware even though they are too smart to be fooled). I have awsome parents who taught me that being a man, husband, friend, lover, brother, father, etc... even though I am treated bad I don't know any other way but to stick in and still be active/present in my household. I have thought about leaving but what kind of husband/father would I be to quit even though I am unhappy and treated bad. I read a lot of blogs about how many people have great support networks and I do wish my was better but I am working hard to accept what I currently have(play with the cards I have been dealt). Counseling is useless in our situation because in order to change there has to be someone that is willing to accept good and bad criticism about themselves. No matter how much or how often I try to express that I feel I am treated unfair my wife only sees things I am not doing or what I do wrong. I make the best out of my situation and I pray things will get better. Hopefully she will wake up and see the hurt and pain I deal with so we can heal our relationship. I took the "sickness and in health" and "richer or poorer" vows seriously. My wife had a cancer scare this year and not even thinking about how I was treated I was totally by her side to support and take care of her beyond what was needed. Love is supposed to be something that never fades but during times of crisis we truly see our loved ones true love!
To all the caregivers out there that support their loved ones, May GOD bless you for your support and to the caregivers who don't support your loved ones "May GOD bless you and touch your hearts so you support your loved ones like you would want to be supported"!
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Karen
Member
Username: Pandaparade
Post Number: 82
Registered: 09-2010
| | Posted on Thursday, March 03, 2011 - 12:24 pm: |
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Brian, you seem to have such a good heart & we will be praying that you can enjoy a peaceful life. You have such a great attitude about sticking with things & this is the way I was raised too. Unless there is abuse that is harmful to a mate and/or the children that is. Maybe by your wonderful example, your spouse will be moved to treat you in the same way. You remind me of a Bible scripture in Ephesians 4:26-31 where it says to be kind, tenderly compassionate & freely forgiving one another. Maybe by your fine example in living life this way, you will encourage your mate to do the same. We will hope that's the way things turn out for you & your children. It's wonderful "meeting" you here on the forum! We'll be hoping to hear happier updates from you in the near future. |
Amy Tippins
Member
Username: Amytippins
Post Number: 16
Registered: 06-2009
| | Posted on Thursday, April 07, 2011 - 04:31 pm: |
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Brian, I feel for the situation that you are in. I am about to throw my 2 cents in, but feel free to ignore it. Therapy is only good for one thing: figuring out how YOU are going to handle things. You can't change someone...only they can change themselves. You should never go in to counseling with the mentality of you are going to show her where she is wrong and make her change. While we would all like to "fix" those around us whose behavior patters/reactions/support that we do not want that is just not the way it works. I was in counseling for over 10 years learning how to emotionally be healthy. I grew up in a home with domestic, psychological and minor form of sexual abuse DURING my transplant. What I learned is that I could not change the people in my family, but only what I accepted from them. I could change what the appropriate boundaries are. While boundaries have nothing to do with feelings, they do have to do with how you handle the situation you are in. Being angry and resenting her ONLY hurts you...it doesn't hurt her at all. Negative feelings about her can long term effect your kidney. Am I saying just let her get a free pass on the way that she treats you? No. All I am saying is that you have to evaluate (1) Are you doing anything to contribute to it (2) Is there something in her history (could be prior to you) that is making her behave this way (3) Can you accept that she is the person she will always be, she is loving you the only way she knows how to now and can you forgive her for her wrong doings? (4) is divorce the best option. As a child of divorce I can tell you...sometimes getting your children out of a toxic situation is the best gift you can give them when it comes to family dynamics. I begged my parents to get divorced for years and I was finally relieved when it happened.
Like I said, my two cents worth...
RockScar Love is where we celebrate the scars of new life! Rock Scar Love.com
A portion of sales credited to Transplant Buddies goes to COTA! |
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Staggerin' Dave
Member
Username: Rodeonm
Post Number: 4
Registered: 07-2011
| | Posted on Tuesday, July 26, 2011 - 01:13 am: |
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Well Brian, I am not going to try to fool you. "Sometimes life's just hard, for no reason at all" (Remember the Titans). I got divorced 10 years after my transplant. It wasn't really anybody's fault, we were just different people. I tried rear-end smooching, I tried being firm, and we tried counseling...nothing worked. I can tell you this, before long you will start wandering to some addiction or another in order to avoid her and give you peace. For me long distance running became my mistress. I was running over 50 miles a week just to stay out of the house. Be careful of your medical compliance, it is an easy thing to overlook when you are pissed. Also, steroid induced mood swings can turn an ant hill argument into Mt. Everest within seconds. If this happens walk away...FAST!
Cadaveric Kidney Transplant (08/87)
Hepatitis C (08/87) from kidney tx
Organ Donor dad {(Virginia, 15) 02/93}
USPS clerk 1988-present |
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