Author |
Message |
Brian S.
Member Username: Bsnell
Post Number: 13 Registered: 02-2011
| Posted on Monday, March 07, 2011 - 11:34 am: |
|
Through my whole time dealing with ESRD(kidney failure) and kidney transplantation I never had a melt down or cry. I will never forget once during catching an infection in my dialysis catheter I was put on hemo dialysis which was soooo depressing. During my third week of dialysis I noticed a new young lady(I was 38 at that time so she may have been 25) who must have started that same day. After about one hour into her dialysis she broke down and began to cry. Her cry sounded like it came from the core of her being. Everyone there on dialysis knew the despair she felt and could only empathize with her. The staff tried to comfort her but that cry probably was the best thing for her accepting her situation. Later that night I felt really bad because she was able to reach that point where she came to grips with the worst thing that has probably happened to her. I really wish I could have just come to that point to release the pinned up emotions inside myself but I was trying to always keep my game face on in public and at home. I always need to be strong for my family, especially my children. Now one year seven months post kidney transplant I still feel unresolved issues deep down. When I go home from work and enter my home the memories of home dialysis depress me still to this day. I pass through the door way and immediately feel like my dialysis countdown begins(time before I have to start dialysis for the night). GOD only knows the depression, fear, hate, weariness I feel in that house. I know I need some help but that is very hard because talking to someone that doesn’t have the smallest clue of what it feels like to be trapped on a lifeline that is only allows you no more than five feet of freedom for eight to nine hours.
|
Rita
Forum Leader Username: Rita
Post Number: 613 Registered: 06-2003
| Posted on Monday, March 07, 2011 - 04:56 pm: |
|
I am so glad you found this site. I know it is not the same as going to a therapist, but it is a wonderful site to put you in touch with others who have had similar experiences and to share with them and them with you. I am so glad you feel you can open up your feeling with us. I know I use to wear my game face too and say everything was fine. On some level I think if I said enough then somehow be just fine. I think the scars that we have both physical and mental are always with us, but with time they both seem less predominate. The only thing I can say that I have found with hard times in life is that those times make me stretch and grow and develop into my evolving self. Dialysis has taught me many things: to ask for help ( I was never good at that); to be a more compassionate person--by truly having empathy for those who are ill and all they go through and how the simplest task that we often take for granted can be so complex for one who is ill; how blessed it is to have people who love you and care for you--so many nursing home people were there and just wanted someone to talk with them, and so many other things I learned about life, myself and others while on dialysis. I do understand and have been where you have been where you are counting the hours and the scars from being ill and on dialysis are deep. I think anyone who was on dialysis for a good period of time understands what you feeling. I think you are taking the first step in releasing you feelings by posting here, I am so happy you found us.
|
Brian S.
Member Username: Bsnell
Post Number: 14 Registered: 02-2011
| Posted on Tuesday, March 08, 2011 - 02:06 pm: |
|
Thanks so much Rita!!! I'm so glad I found this community because I can converse with others that have been down similar paths. I have recommended this community to several other pre and post transplant patients knowing that opening up can make a difference in our lives.
|
LadyDi
Forum Leader Username: Ladydi
Post Number: 2586 Registered: 03-2008
| Posted on Tuesday, March 08, 2011 - 05:03 pm: |
|
It was interesting reading your description of entering your home and thinking about dialysis. I remember when my husband could no longer do PD, and had to go on hemo. He was probably braver than me about the whole thing. We had just received the shipment of solution bags and had boxes of the stuff that nobody would take. I remember waiting until he went to dialysis and then emptying as many of the bags as I could into the toilet - I didn't want him to see me do it and be reminded of the fact that the PD didn't work. I remember being terrified to talk about it and ask him how he felt because I was so upset myself. You have reminded me that it is okay to talk about your fears and to not bottle things up inside. Thanks for posting, and hope the day is looking up for you.
|
Amy Tippins
Member Username: Amytippins
Post Number: 7 Registered: 06-2009
| Posted on Wednesday, March 09, 2011 - 09:24 am: |
|
Brian, First of all, there is probably a therapist that your transplant clinic can recommend that has worked with many, many transplant patients. Secondly, I believe the more you are at peace with what happened to you then the easier it will get to find the tears. I am not a crier, but the last few years the more I have gotten involved in giving back the easier it has been for me to find my emotions (I am post transplant 18 yrs and so I have A LOT of experience in this world). Also, you probably have not faced your fear of what happened and the potential that you kidney could fail one day. I do not mean to be harsh, but I know that I have had to face it that my liver could fail at some point. You might want to see if you have some unresolved anger issues. I know that I had to face my fears and all my emotions head on, own them and be okay with them to find the place of releasing them and having a good cry! The cry is worth it because it is extremely healing.
RockScar Love is where we celebrate the scars of new life! www.rockscarlove.com A portion of sales credited to Transplant Buddies goes to COTA! |
|
anderson111
Member Username: Anderson111
Post Number: 13 Registered: 02-2011
| Posted on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 - 12:12 am: |
|
I think anyone who was on dialysis for a good period of time understands what you feeling. |
Jo
Member Username: Oxygirl
Post Number: 247 Registered: 05-2009
| Posted on Wednesday, April 06, 2011 - 10:06 pm: |
|
Hi, Brian. I am a lung pt, so I don't have experience with diabetes. But, I do know several people who have been on dialysis and I am always amazed at what they must do to remain "healthy." Emotions play such a large part of our illnesses and even more so after transplant. I'm probably the complete opposite of you, whereas I've had more "breakdowns" than my family would probably like! But, this site is a great source of support, and you will meet some wonderful kidney patients who can share experiences with you. Best of luck and good health to you! Jo
Dx with BOOP/IPF Nov 2004 Listed Dbl Lung Tx Jan 13 2010 Double Lung tx Sept. 17, 2010 Emory Hospital Atlanta
|
|
HeartlessWonder
Member Username: Mbfoley
Post Number: 10 Registered: 07-2011
| Posted on Saturday, September 03, 2011 - 11:46 am: |
|
Brian, If you need to talk I am here and can give you my email address : mbfoley@yahoo.com. I know what it is like, not from a kidney failure angle but from a heart failure angle. I just spent three months attached to a wall with about a eight foot radius to work in at all times. Only to have the swan and medications not work and need a balloon pump for a couple weeks, which also couldn't sustain me. So I got an lvad...Which now has a clot and has me on bedrest in the hospital...trapped again. There is always another wall to be a ttached to, but we can help each other get through it. Sometimes you just need to vent or have someone tell you you are not alone. You aren't alone.
Awaiting heart tx since 2009 Tufts medical center. Boston, MA |
|
|